Thoughts on Facebook

Title: Facebook and Its Effect on Relationships

Audience: Facebook users between the ages of sixteen thru twenty-two

Abstract: Writer draws upon his personal experience with Facebook explain what he believes

                 are significant drawbacks in how it affects the typical user’s romantic

                 relationships.  Issues discussed included relationship statuses and closure.

Key Words: FACEBOOK; INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION; ROMANTIC

         RELATIONSHIPS; SOCIAL NETWORKING

            “Welcome to Facebook, Matthew.  You are now whipped by society.” 

That was the first wall post on my account, courtesy of a friend.  It was mid-April in 2009, a time when I was slugging my way through senior year of high school.  It was also when I caved in and chose to set up a Facebook account.  Whether that was the right decision I will not ever know.

            I understand the concept behind Facebook: being more connected to the people you care about in your life.  Too many times though this site becomes a major example of the paradoxical nature of technology and human relationships.  On the surface it makes sense that being able to contact your family and friends more often is a great idea.  Who does not like being constantly connected to those people?   However technology simultaneously and unintentionally (because technology has no head, heart or hands) pulls its users away from the same people they love because it encourages non-interpersonal communication.  Instead of telling the girl I am dating that I love her with her physically in my presence, I send her a text message with an emoticon expressing that same sentiment.  In both cases there is a measure of ambiguity since there is no body language to interpret nor a tone of voice that indicates something as well.

            Arguably no group has been more affected in their romantic relationships by frequent Facebook use than high school-age students and undergraduates.  It never ceases to amaze me how each time a romance turns sour Facebook rears its head in some shape or form.  On every Facebook user’s profile there is an option of posting your relationship status, be it open, committed or single.  I once had a girlfriend that constantly was on Facebook, either on her cell phone or on her computer.  One time I ventured into some hot water when I removed our relationship- at least on Facebook.  Boom!  Within hours she called me, complaining that she could have sworn that I broke up with her.  I reassured her that I had been just trying to prove a point that we could be dating and not have to post it over the Internet.  For many people the matter of their romance being Facebook official is crucial to their self-identity.  This really concerns me because the romance is developed interpersonally or face-to-face, not over cyberspace.  Once again it is a paradox: Facebook allows people another medium to affirm their commitment’s existence (i.e. making a relationship public via a relationship status) yet inadvertently makes the couple disconnected.  It is as simple as saying I love you to your girl or boyfriend’s face versus texting that person a Facebook message or wall post.  I know I would prefer the former over the latter.

            This paradoxical nature of Facebook in romantic situations appears again with breakups.  These are hard times for both people to begin with depending on how long the two people have been going out with each other.  To make matters worse, when your relationship status (dare I say you never should have made it Facebook official) changes from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single,’ it is posted on your news feed for all your friends to see.  Naturally all hell breaks loose, and a flurry of comments, sometimes of sympathy and others of disbelief, from friends appear on your Facebook page, making you look like an attention whore.  Another issue here is etiquette: do you remove your ex from your relationship status before confronting him or her in-person?  I certainly hope not because it is more conventional and logical in my opinion to have the guts to confront the person interpersonally rather than over cyberspace.  It might not be easier or as painless as hitting ‘delete,’ but it may be better to not lean on the Internet in this case.

Given that you have broken up with this person, Facebook adds a new dimension to the changed dynamic of your interaction with him or him: to keep or not to keep that person as a (Facebook) friend.  Making this decision about how you interact with your ex in day-to-day life is hard enough so this dilemma’s complexity is increased by the Facebookosphere.  It is surprising how hurtful it can be to lose your ex as a (Facebook) friend; by the same token it can pain you to constantly see their statuses that indicate that they have moved on from you.  Nonetheless this is all unnecessary breakup drama caused by using Facebook.  Lastly if you do remain Facebook friends with your ex, you might be shocked and appalled when suddenly all of your photos together have been deleted.   All that nostalgia vanishes in the snap of your fingers.  It hurts to think that the other person went out of their way to forget about you- even in a virtual medium.

            The one of the hardest parts of Facebook and how it affects romantic relationships is closure.  Instead of seeking to end a relationship face-to-face, all too often this tool allows people to break up with a simple click of a mouse, which is problematic on multiple levels.  First no verbal communication takes place, meaning there is no explanation of one person’s reasoning for breaking up with the other, a good way to lay things out on the table.  Though it seems nice to not to have to break the news to your partner, it is certain that you will pay later for not confronting your ex in-person.