Facebook & Romance: an Unhealthy Combination for Teens, Undergrads

The Effects of FB on Young Love
By Matthew D. Stokes

 "Welcome to Facebook, Matthew.  You are now whipped by society."

That wall post marked the first of its kind on my Facebook account.  In April of 2009 I had finally let down my guard and leapt into the Facebookosphere.  For years I politely listened to the chatter and hype surrounding this social networking site, all the while thinking to myself, "This is bullshit."  I had seen friends, family and classmates waste valuable time in cyberspace, and told myself that would not be me.  Somehow I managed to rationalize setting up an account, and less than two years later I stand here free of Facebook.  What a great feeling.


Unmediated Versus Mediated Communication

Part of the benefit having and utilizing a Facebook account makes sense to me.  Ideally a person can connect more often with others, like a boyfriend or a girlfriend, using this site.  The more contact the better so the thinking must go.  Not from what I can see.  The more you lean on Facebook to interact with your mate the more complex and problematic your romance becomes.

Saying "I love you" through a wall post or message arguably does not hold as great of a weight as it does in-person.  This can be described as a matter of mediated communication versus unmediated communication.  Using Facebook to tell your lover how much you care about them qualifies as mediated, meaning that there exists a source in the middle during the communication process.  I would argue that the couple losses a lot here because there can be no body language or tone of voice to interpret over the Web.  Both of those things consistently appear in unmediated communication, making it a much richer experience to express your love.

Arguably no two groups feel the effect of Facebook on their romantic relationships more than high school-age students and undergraduates.  Lack of maturity can be considered a major reason for this phenomena.  It never ceases to amaze and appall me how each time a romance in these two groups turns sour, Facebook manages to be involved in one way or another.


Being Facebook Official

In a recent romance I made a point of minimizing the Facebook officialness of the relationship by removing my relationship status.  Apparently this does not work.  Within hours of this change I received a frantic phone call.

"Are we still dating?" my girlfriend asked with great concern.

"Yeah.  Does this have to do with Facebook?" I asked, rather perturbed.

This situation highlighted that young people put a grossly enormous amount of stock into letting the Facebook world know about their relationships.  I swear not just girls should be seen as the prime suspects of overemphasizing a romance being Facebook official.  My main problem with this obsession lies in that romance principally develops via unmediated communication.  You go to dinner and a movie, not a Facebook chat date.

A sinister-looking man veers
 into the Facebookosphere.

Facebook and Romantic Splits

Breakups happen quite a few times in the dating lives of high school students and college undergraduates.  The best thing for a person do in this situation?  Remember the good times and move along, not resorting to Facebook to duke it out with your ex.

Too many times bad feelings over a breakup come out over the Internet.  Facebook complicates an already difficult situation by making you wrestle with particular questions.

• Do I remove the relationship over Facebook before or after confronting my partner directly?
• Do I remain (Facebook) friends with this person after our breakup?
• Do I even talk to this person over Facebook chat after breaking up with him or her?

The funny thing about these questions?  They used to never exist before Facebook's creation in 2004.

Breakups and Facebook combine to often make both parties involved distant to the point of never speaking again.  A breakup stinks to begin with, depending on how long the two people dated, but having the your entire Facebook world see your relationship change from in a relationship to single leads to a massive migraine.  Naturally, all hell breaks loose.

The comments from friends come by the boatload, some out of sympathy and others out of disbelief.  You leave your page thinking, "Wow.  Do I really need all this attention right now?"


Facebook & Closure

One of the most troublesome aspects of romance and Facebook has to be closure.  Facebook allows the relationship to disappear into the deep, dark abyss of the Internet.  Not much time exists to explain yourself, your reasoning and feelings.  Just the click of a mouse, and your relationship vanishes.

But you will pay for this quick, seemingly painless deletion.  The bad feelings can come out later in unmediated communication.  Let's say you run into your ex on your way to class.  All the things left unsaid over Facebook act like a tornado, leaving no survivors in its wake.

"You broke up with me over Facebook?  You must have no heart."


Some Final Thoughts

Facebook complicates romance whether it intentionally came about that way or not.  Too many times relationship statuses end up causing scenes like this one in a scene from South Park.

Use wisely while in a romantic relationship.  And always communicate with your partner, just in unmediated ways.  I swear not having a Facebook made my week a heck of a lot better, and removed me from numerous unhealthy relationships, even ones outside of the romantic context.


Matt Stokes is a sophomore communications major at Berry College in Rome, Ga.  He works for Berry's student-run newspaper, The Campus Carrier, as the Assistant Sports Editor, and has also written articles for the Daily News-Tribune of Cartersville (Ga.) and the Rome News-Tribune.  When not occupied by school and work, Matt enjoys reading about sports.


Keywords: FACEBOOK; COMMUNICATION; ROMANATIC RELATIONSHIPS; BREAKUPS

Thoughts on Facebook

Title: Facebook and Its Effect on Relationships

Audience: Facebook users between the ages of sixteen thru twenty-two

Abstract: Writer draws upon his personal experience with Facebook explain what he believes

                 are significant drawbacks in how it affects the typical user’s romantic

                 relationships.  Issues discussed included relationship statuses and closure.

Key Words: FACEBOOK; INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION; ROMANTIC

         RELATIONSHIPS; SOCIAL NETWORKING

            “Welcome to Facebook, Matthew.  You are now whipped by society.” 

That was the first wall post on my account, courtesy of a friend.  It was mid-April in 2009, a time when I was slugging my way through senior year of high school.  It was also when I caved in and chose to set up a Facebook account.  Whether that was the right decision I will not ever know.

            I understand the concept behind Facebook: being more connected to the people you care about in your life.  Too many times though this site becomes a major example of the paradoxical nature of technology and human relationships.  On the surface it makes sense that being able to contact your family and friends more often is a great idea.  Who does not like being constantly connected to those people?   However technology simultaneously and unintentionally (because technology has no head, heart or hands) pulls its users away from the same people they love because it encourages non-interpersonal communication.  Instead of telling the girl I am dating that I love her with her physically in my presence, I send her a text message with an emoticon expressing that same sentiment.  In both cases there is a measure of ambiguity since there is no body language to interpret nor a tone of voice that indicates something as well.

            Arguably no group has been more affected in their romantic relationships by frequent Facebook use than high school-age students and undergraduates.  It never ceases to amaze me how each time a romance turns sour Facebook rears its head in some shape or form.  On every Facebook user’s profile there is an option of posting your relationship status, be it open, committed or single.  I once had a girlfriend that constantly was on Facebook, either on her cell phone or on her computer.  One time I ventured into some hot water when I removed our relationship- at least on Facebook.  Boom!  Within hours she called me, complaining that she could have sworn that I broke up with her.  I reassured her that I had been just trying to prove a point that we could be dating and not have to post it over the Internet.  For many people the matter of their romance being Facebook official is crucial to their self-identity.  This really concerns me because the romance is developed interpersonally or face-to-face, not over cyberspace.  Once again it is a paradox: Facebook allows people another medium to affirm their commitment’s existence (i.e. making a relationship public via a relationship status) yet inadvertently makes the couple disconnected.  It is as simple as saying I love you to your girl or boyfriend’s face versus texting that person a Facebook message or wall post.  I know I would prefer the former over the latter.

            This paradoxical nature of Facebook in romantic situations appears again with breakups.  These are hard times for both people to begin with depending on how long the two people have been going out with each other.  To make matters worse, when your relationship status (dare I say you never should have made it Facebook official) changes from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single,’ it is posted on your news feed for all your friends to see.  Naturally all hell breaks loose, and a flurry of comments, sometimes of sympathy and others of disbelief, from friends appear on your Facebook page, making you look like an attention whore.  Another issue here is etiquette: do you remove your ex from your relationship status before confronting him or her in-person?  I certainly hope not because it is more conventional and logical in my opinion to have the guts to confront the person interpersonally rather than over cyberspace.  It might not be easier or as painless as hitting ‘delete,’ but it may be better to not lean on the Internet in this case.

Given that you have broken up with this person, Facebook adds a new dimension to the changed dynamic of your interaction with him or him: to keep or not to keep that person as a (Facebook) friend.  Making this decision about how you interact with your ex in day-to-day life is hard enough so this dilemma’s complexity is increased by the Facebookosphere.  It is surprising how hurtful it can be to lose your ex as a (Facebook) friend; by the same token it can pain you to constantly see their statuses that indicate that they have moved on from you.  Nonetheless this is all unnecessary breakup drama caused by using Facebook.  Lastly if you do remain Facebook friends with your ex, you might be shocked and appalled when suddenly all of your photos together have been deleted.   All that nostalgia vanishes in the snap of your fingers.  It hurts to think that the other person went out of their way to forget about you- even in a virtual medium.

            The one of the hardest parts of Facebook and how it affects romantic relationships is closure.  Instead of seeking to end a relationship face-to-face, all too often this tool allows people to break up with a simple click of a mouse, which is problematic on multiple levels.  First no verbal communication takes place, meaning there is no explanation of one person’s reasoning for breaking up with the other, a good way to lay things out on the table.  Though it seems nice to not to have to break the news to your partner, it is certain that you will pay later for not confronting your ex in-person.