Facebook & Romance: an Unhealthy Combination for Teens, Undergrads

The Effects of FB on Young Love
By Matthew D. Stokes

 "Welcome to Facebook, Matthew.  You are now whipped by society."

That wall post marked the first of its kind on my Facebook account.  In April of 2009 I had finally let down my guard and leapt into the Facebookosphere.  For years I politely listened to the chatter and hype surrounding this social networking site, all the while thinking to myself, "This is bullshit."  I had seen friends, family and classmates waste valuable time in cyberspace, and told myself that would not be me.  Somehow I managed to rationalize setting up an account, and less than two years later I stand here free of Facebook.  What a great feeling.


Unmediated Versus Mediated Communication

Part of the benefit having and utilizing a Facebook account makes sense to me.  Ideally a person can connect more often with others, like a boyfriend or a girlfriend, using this site.  The more contact the better so the thinking must go.  Not from what I can see.  The more you lean on Facebook to interact with your mate the more complex and problematic your romance becomes.

Saying "I love you" through a wall post or message arguably does not hold as great of a weight as it does in-person.  This can be described as a matter of mediated communication versus unmediated communication.  Using Facebook to tell your lover how much you care about them qualifies as mediated, meaning that there exists a source in the middle during the communication process.  I would argue that the couple losses a lot here because there can be no body language or tone of voice to interpret over the Web.  Both of those things consistently appear in unmediated communication, making it a much richer experience to express your love.

Arguably no two groups feel the effect of Facebook on their romantic relationships more than high school-age students and undergraduates.  Lack of maturity can be considered a major reason for this phenomena.  It never ceases to amaze and appall me how each time a romance in these two groups turns sour, Facebook manages to be involved in one way or another.


Being Facebook Official

In a recent romance I made a point of minimizing the Facebook officialness of the relationship by removing my relationship status.  Apparently this does not work.  Within hours of this change I received a frantic phone call.

"Are we still dating?" my girlfriend asked with great concern.

"Yeah.  Does this have to do with Facebook?" I asked, rather perturbed.

This situation highlighted that young people put a grossly enormous amount of stock into letting the Facebook world know about their relationships.  I swear not just girls should be seen as the prime suspects of overemphasizing a romance being Facebook official.  My main problem with this obsession lies in that romance principally develops via unmediated communication.  You go to dinner and a movie, not a Facebook chat date.

A sinister-looking man veers
 into the Facebookosphere.

Facebook and Romantic Splits

Breakups happen quite a few times in the dating lives of high school students and college undergraduates.  The best thing for a person do in this situation?  Remember the good times and move along, not resorting to Facebook to duke it out with your ex.

Too many times bad feelings over a breakup come out over the Internet.  Facebook complicates an already difficult situation by making you wrestle with particular questions.

• Do I remove the relationship over Facebook before or after confronting my partner directly?
• Do I remain (Facebook) friends with this person after our breakup?
• Do I even talk to this person over Facebook chat after breaking up with him or her?

The funny thing about these questions?  They used to never exist before Facebook's creation in 2004.

Breakups and Facebook combine to often make both parties involved distant to the point of never speaking again.  A breakup stinks to begin with, depending on how long the two people dated, but having the your entire Facebook world see your relationship change from in a relationship to single leads to a massive migraine.  Naturally, all hell breaks loose.

The comments from friends come by the boatload, some out of sympathy and others out of disbelief.  You leave your page thinking, "Wow.  Do I really need all this attention right now?"


Facebook & Closure

One of the most troublesome aspects of romance and Facebook has to be closure.  Facebook allows the relationship to disappear into the deep, dark abyss of the Internet.  Not much time exists to explain yourself, your reasoning and feelings.  Just the click of a mouse, and your relationship vanishes.

But you will pay for this quick, seemingly painless deletion.  The bad feelings can come out later in unmediated communication.  Let's say you run into your ex on your way to class.  All the things left unsaid over Facebook act like a tornado, leaving no survivors in its wake.

"You broke up with me over Facebook?  You must have no heart."


Some Final Thoughts

Facebook complicates romance whether it intentionally came about that way or not.  Too many times relationship statuses end up causing scenes like this one in a scene from South Park.

Use wisely while in a romantic relationship.  And always communicate with your partner, just in unmediated ways.  I swear not having a Facebook made my week a heck of a lot better, and removed me from numerous unhealthy relationships, even ones outside of the romantic context.


Matt Stokes is a sophomore communications major at Berry College in Rome, Ga.  He works for Berry's student-run newspaper, The Campus Carrier, as the Assistant Sports Editor, and has also written articles for the Daily News-Tribune of Cartersville (Ga.) and the Rome News-Tribune.  When not occupied by school and work, Matt enjoys reading about sports.


Keywords: FACEBOOK; COMMUNICATION; ROMANATIC RELATIONSHIPS; BREAKUPS